Top Ten Things Clients Said To Me Today

1. "I'm not gay".

2. "You can hang up on me. I'll understand." (Same guy).

3. "Could you do some math for me? Do you mind?" (Same guy).

4. "You're probably a skinny little thing, aintcha?" (I get this a lot. My inner longing and starvation for the bounty that is life must come through over the phone. I am formerly an actor, y'know).

5. "What are you, 25?"

6. "Thank you." (maybe 3 times out of 300 calls).

7. "Ma'am" to mean "What?" or "Excuse me?" This has happened several times in the past week, actually, and I forgot to take notice of the location of the callers. It must be a regional thing, because "Ma'am" does not mean either of those things in my dialect.

     a. And it was deadpan, like monotone, like not inflected like a question either.

8. "Oooooh, chiiiiiil', I just LOVE the chocolate covered scrotums!" (Okay, I'm cheating, this was not uttered today, it was from Memorial Day, but still).

     a. Yeah, I've seriously been sitting on that one for 3 months. I think I need my own tv show.

9. "Fuck you". (Okay, I'm cheating again. I'm the one who said that. And it was under my breath.)

10. "Yes, I need the cancellation department, please?" <----25% of my calls, at least.

11. "Grad school, eh?" (It wasn't a Canadian client, because Canadians don't say "eh" in that context, Ock).