Top Ten Things I Don't Have

1. Schizophrenia. I feel like I read somewhere that if you don't develop it by age 25, you will not develop it. Woo-hoo!

2. Hemochromatosis. I'm totally frontin', I don't know if I have it or not. I should get checked since I have health insurance now. My dad had it. It's genetic, but I think alcoholism has something to do with it too. Um. Yeah. So maybe I should get checked.

3. Shit, it was not my intention to make these all diseases/conditions. I'll stop now.

4. That $50 Amazon gift card they raffled off at work just now. I don't care. I wasn't expecting to win it. I never win things based on chance. But I win things based on skill and talent and awesomeness, which is why I won a $35 gift card that wasn't raffled off. I had the highest amount of post-call surveys on my team for the month of June! Woooo!

5. Herpes.

     a. I probably have a UTI right now. I want to blame it on Drew trying to have sex with me while I was asleep, but I think that was a while ago, and last night I had a dream that Audrey's boyfriend was Asian and they took me to eat dinner outside on the ground in some strip mall in Olney that doesn't really exist, and all his Asian sisters who don't really exist were there too, and they were really mean and snobby, and I had to take a shit, but I was scared it would take too long, so I held it in. I felt the urgency in my dream, but when I woke up, I was left with just the urgency to pee. And it felt too urgent, too burny, and not going away after I did so. I guess I had to go in my sleep for hours, and didn't wake up, so I held it too long. Oops.

6. Enough money to have children.

7. The right degree to do anything. All I can do with my degree in Speech-Language-Hearing Science is get into drunken discussions about Whorf with Anthropology students at work parties. That was the best party, man.

8. Abs.

9. Glutes.

10. Okay, I'll stop being so depressing.

11. Also, I'll stop saying I don't have muscles or organs that are essential to human life, when what I really mean is that I'm not a hottie.

     a. At one time, people in my old neighborhood were using the language that way to the point where it was totally normal for someone to ask "Do she got a body?"

     b. And you'd be all like "Doesn't everyone, ock?"

12. Friends.

13. Communication skills.

14. Fleas! Just trying to think positive again, guys.

15. Beer in my fridge. It's probably better that way.

16. A life.

     a. But I do got a body.